problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
