What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
