I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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