remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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