checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
