The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
