his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
