Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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