Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
