the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize