why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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