so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
