i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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