whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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