i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Holy sore nipples Batman
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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