u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize