Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
