So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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