Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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