you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
smell my finger.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
