mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
