Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
