When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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