He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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