i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
