I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Randomize
