apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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