if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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