she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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