I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
