tell your sister to shave her snatch
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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