I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
