i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
