saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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