I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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