you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm both gender and math confused
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
