at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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