she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
