apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
