Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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