I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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