You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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