dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
