i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
