I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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