he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
