my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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