so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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