Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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