My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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