I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
