she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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