Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
