why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
