just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
