I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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