she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
