I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
