Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
