"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
