Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
