I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
