I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
