It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
