Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
