why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
