My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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