I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she looked like the before picture.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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