you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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