I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
