You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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