Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
