I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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