I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
